The Classics: Chocolate Pudding

I should relay a little about my personality before the story begins. I do not consider myself to be part of the Fun Mom Club. I watch other moms do the crafts, the soccer practices, the dance, the rocket club, etc. and I turn a little bit green with envy. (Have I ever mentioned that I am imperfect?) The moms who can whip out a craft in 15 seconds flat not fret about the paint and the effects it will have on the boy consuming it or the mess truly are a wonder to me. A magnificent mother who loves them enough to get the crafts and make fun food. Now that is an aspiration.

I decided on one summer day to join the Fun Mom's Club. Just for one day. Temporary Membership.

It was summer. I had chocolate pudding. My mother-in-law had sent us some popsicle molds. It was looking like it could be a scorcher. I figured, "Hey! Let's make fudgicles."

My first mistake was I said that out loud. The boys heard me. "Yah! Let's make fudgicles Mom! Those will taste yummy!" Think Bill Cosby-the chocolate cake skit.

Too late to back out now.

I get out the molds, the chocolate pudding mix, the whisk, the bowl, the rubber spatula. We start making the chocolate pudding. (This alone should qualify me for sainthood-cooking with three kids?) I, on purpose, made it a little thin so it would fill the molds completely. #3 was just 3 when we were doing this. He wants to make his own fudgicle. So, #1 and #2 had poured the pudding into the molds. #3 wants to put in the sticks.

Okay. We can do this. #3 and I are in the kitchen putting in the sticks-HE has to put them all in.

#1 and 2 ask if they can eat the rest of the pudding that is in the bottom of the bowl. Sure! Why not? I am a Fun Mom!

#3 and I are still working in the kitchen.

#1 asks if they can use straws to suck out the pudding from the bottom of the bowl. Sure! Why not? I am a Fun Mom! #3 leaves the kitchen. I am finishing up the fudgicles and put them in the freezer.

I hear sounds of yummy slurping. Then I start to hear giggling. Sugar will do that to boys right? Then----I hear splatting and spitting.

I turn to the family room where my sons are. Imagine the slow motion camera. I watch my sons suck up chocolate pudding, then spit it at each other and the entire family room. I am flabbergasted. I am speechless. They do it again. There is chocolate pudding SPIT all over my family room. The boys are laughing.

Vesuvius erupts.

I hear my voice (cause it was sort of an out of body experience) screaming, "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! GET OUT! GET OUT! IF YOU ARE GOING TO ACT LIKE ANIMALS THEN YOU CAN LIVE OUTSIDE!!!"

I open the sliding glass door, kick them out, tell them they are not allowed back into the house until their father comes home and lock the door. This is about 1:30 or 2:00 and he doesn't arrive until 6:00 or 6:15.

I start cleaning. I am still way too angry. I call my mother. I remember specifically asking her how long they can live outside without CPS getting involved. Afterall, a tent roof is still a roof. I would still feed them. I would put their food in a bowl and let them eat like animals. I could slop them like pigs.

About 15 minutes after they are banished, a thunder cloud rolls across the sky. The big boys pound on the glass door, "Mooommm, it is starting to rain."

I hand them an umbrella and re-lock the door.

#3 comes to the door. "Mama! #1 and #2 awa not shawing da umbwella. I getting wet."

I close the door and relock it. I go to the kitchen. I get out my box of garbage bags. I cut holes in the bottom and two holes in the side. I put the garbage bag over his head, pop his head through and tell him to put his arms in the two side holes. Instant poncho. I was happy I didn't asphyxiate him before his head came out the top. I toss two more bags out for the other two children. I close the door and relock it.

It starts to pour. The three of them sat on the swinging bench under the umbrella. Then #1 ventures out into the rain. He knocks on the door, "Mama! Can I use the hose?"

Why not? As long as I don't have to deal with you.

The kids had a great day in the rain. They made rivers. They puddle jumped. They were muddy. They had more fun outside than they would have come close to having inside.

Banishment backfired.

Such consequences! Having a food fight then getting to play in the mud for the rest of the day.



Now, every now and then, in conversation with another mom who knows the story, I hear, "Yah, well, at least I didn't put my kids in garbage bags."

True. True.

But you didn't have chocolate pudding all over your family room either.

Me? Fun Mom's Club? Nope.